Friday, November 09, 2007

Horror Movie Safety Tips

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin--or any other language that they should not know--burn them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. This also applies to children who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

8. Do not take anything from the dead.

9. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

11. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, burn them immediately.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

13. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

15. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to take advantage of the real-estate bubble and move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible, unusual fashion, or who performed bizarre rituals.

16. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. Additionally, carry a flashlight, not a candle.

17. On a related note, DO NOT under any circumstance have sex. Virtuous girls have a chance. Guys, I'm sorry, but you're probably dead-meat regardless - particularly if you are a side-kick.

18. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

19. If you're searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET OUT!

via The Speculist

1 comment:

Admiral Burns said...

The guy with the electric carving knife is only dangerous if he also has an electric genorator with him. If he doesn't, he is probably a Polish cerial killer.